What my Mother and I do not talk about
I wasn’t about to be emotionally wrecked during this comeback
Last month, I started reading for leisure again. I had taken a break midway through last year because I couldn’t juggle everything I had going on and still find time to read without feeling exhausted. Plus, since I did most of my reading on my phone, I suffered frequent migraines. So, I took a break.
When I decided to start reading again, I went on Pinterest and picked out books based on how intriguing I found the titles, book covers, and general vibes. I carefully ignored African literature; I wasn’t about to be emotionally wrecked during this comeback. Out of the eleven books I selected, What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About, edited by Michele Filgate, intrigued me so much that I had to start with it.
I must admit that when I first saw the book, I thought, "Oh yeah, there are a bunch of things my mum and I don't talk about that need to be spelled out." I expected it to be fifteen people writing about the resentment they harbored toward their mothers or how their mothers failed them. But upon reading it, I was astonished by how maturely the authors approached the topic, and I felt embarrassed by how lowly I had initially thought of them.
The book is a compilation of fifteen essays by fifteen authors, each maturely yet honestly discussing their vulnerable relationships with their mothers and the gaps in their communication. Although some authors pointed out things their mothers didn’t do right, I loved that it wasn’t done in a condescending manner but rather in a "if they had known better, they would have done better" kind of way. No blame game.
I also loved that the essays didn’t just explore the gaps in their relationships. Some authors, who were very close to their mothers, reflected on whether anything was left unsaid, and if so, would they want to know about it, and would it hurt to find out?
Out of all the essays, My Mother’s (Gate) Keeper by Cathi Hanauer stood out to me. Cathi’s conversation with her mum triggered a major mindset reconfiguration in me. Before reading the essay, I held one or two unreasonable grudges toward my mum, just like Cathi did, over petty reasons. But reading her mum’s perspective made me realize that I needed to extend grace to my own mum. I understood that my mum, having been born in a different generation and raised in a different family environment, would not always see life the way I do, and naturally, her responses to things would differ from mine. With this understanding, I am now very confident that those petty, selfish issues capable of landing us in therapy won't arise in my future conversations with my mum.
Reading this book stirred up my curiosity to learn more about my mum’s experiences that we haven’t discussed yet. Especially the years before I was born, and even the ones I spent away in boarding school, I’m eager to know her genuine thoughts. I believe knowing about these experiences would strengthen our friendship.
I can’t recommend this book enough — a solid 4.5 out of 5 stars.
Would you like to read it? Also, tell me: what book have you recently read or are currently reading, and how would you rate it out of five stars?
Till next time,
Stay curious.
Amara🤗
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I’ll definitely add this book to my list!