👋Hey, how have you been?
Well, for me—
You know when someone asks, “How are you doing?” but you can’t seem to articulately explain it without confusing the person and yourself, so you just say, “I’m fine”?
Yeah, that’s where I am.
The past few months have been, well, “fine,” but let me attempt to give this confusion a bit more structure.
🎯 I Gained weight:
Ever since I became an adult and started adulting full-time, I’ve struggled to maintain my desired body weight. It’s as if every time I wake up in the morning to get ready for work, I lose 50 grams of it.
But in May, I successfully gained and maintained my desired weight. I was happy, became more confident, and wore clothes I previously avoided because I felt too slim in them. I was just a happy girl.
Then June came. I was still basking in the joy of my weight gain, then I fell ill—and watched my weight slowly return to factory settings.
It’s tough. I guess I should start embracing the reality that I may never attain my desired body weight, at least not with my current schedule.
🌥Faith crisis:
For some months, I wrestled with understanding the essence of my faith. I questioned ideologies and needed answers—not the rehearsed answers we give each other; those weren’t convincing anymore.
Based on what I’ve known all my life and what I’ve heard people say, I knew what to do: pray. But I couldn’t bring myself to. What do I even pray about?
I was crippled by everything I knew that I couldn’t take any action. I wished I could forget everything I’ve learned—all the ideologies I’ve taken on—and start all over again.
One day, I randomly searched and picked a sermon on YouTube. That sermon sowed a seed of awareness in my heart, so I went back again and again for more.
The sermons didn’t restore my mind to a clean slate, neither did they answer all the questions I had, but they made me fully aware of how deeply I am loved by God.
It wasn’t just theoretical love, but love with evident signs. Not signs from other people’s lives, but signs in my life and around me—signs I could see, touch, and feel.
I still have questions—not from doubt, but from the awareness of God’s love, which renews my mind daily.
Work in progress.
🍛 Jollof struggles:
I’ve never had any food challenge me the way jollof rice has. I may not be a master chef, but I can cook decent meals.
Cooking jollof rice, on the other hand, has challenged me so much in the past couple of months that any time the thought of cooking it crosses my mind, I shudder and quickly find an alternative meal instead.
When I finally summon the courage to cook it, it tastes like a bad decision.
Yes, I tried recipes from YouTube. Still, it’s either a hit or a miss—and I want it to always be a hit.
Trust me, I would have given up on it like I gave up on pap and custard.
But this is rice, y’all.
So, I’m not giving up without a fight—and I must win.
🔎Finding myself:
I’ve always wanted to know and understand myself better—to know who I am if I’m stripped of all the things I’ve defined myself with.
To know my essence and what makes me come alive.
In the past month, I noticed I stopped in my tracks a few times to soul-search and rediscover who I am.
Although I’m yet to fully figure it out, I’m happy that I was able to intentionally think about myself in those moments.
Still, work in progress.
🤔Maybe “I’m fine” is just our way of saying we’re figuring it out
So, I ask again—how have you been?
Feel free to write back or share in the comment section.
It’s okay if you still can’t give it structure. Saying “I’m fine” is structure enough.
Till next time,
Amara🤗